So I haven't been back here in quite awhile. I only stopped by to do a quick entry, anyway. So it's summer, and of course I'm back here in Placentia. Moving to a new apartment on September 1st, which will be furnished with all brand new furniture and such, thanks to my job. But, being back in town, I have some observations I'd like to make.

Being back in Placentia is a bit surreal. Why? Nothing changes here. Nothing, not the streets, not the buildings, not the businesses. Nothing. Everything revolves in this strangely utopia-like mess, which all-in-all kind of sickens me. The perfection of this middle class white town bores me. It demonstrates to me just how...normal everything is. I think higher education hit me like a huge mallet, as I have no more tolerance for how this town operates. Being one of the centers of pro-Prop 8 propaganda, I can't say that this place is the best for me. Furthermore, I hate to say that my old "friends" were probably in the middle of it. Let's face it, you all say you don't hate me for who I am, but you don't want to think of me as an equal. It's plain to see. Please don't insult my intellect by denying this.

My second problem with Placentia, those who continue to live in this town maintain the same ties to basically everything in their life. Going to Cal State Fullerton, for instance. Yes, it's close, but it is debilitating to say the least. How many of the people that I knew have ventured out into the world, made significant new friendships, cut ties to old friendships, took chances, and accomplished something? Very few. I'm not saying that I did anything significant with my life thus far, but I would have to admit that I'm a far cry ahead of everyone else I know. While you're all continuing the monotonous train of studying, hanging out with friends you've had all your life, and frequenting the same locations you've known since middle school, I've been making a path away from the ordinary. I've paved my life far from all of you, and I don't expect myself to fall off the trail.

To all those that I refer to, take some chances, and escape from your norms. It's important to maintain the connections you've made in the past, but to be dependent on them is what truly saddens me.

Quick Post:

I believe that if you are neutral to an argument, meaning that you are neither for nor against it, then that implies that you are completely irrelevant to the argument in question. Therefore, any statement you make concerning the argument and your neutrality is completely irrelevant as well. On that note, it would then imply that any statement that you make, as irrelevant as it is, is a complete waste of people's time.

Neutrality equals silence. The End.

"Men are born to succeed, not fail" - Henry David Thoreau

For me, trust and regret go hand in hand. Like all people, I get discouraged at the sight of failure, at the sight of regret. But is it unfair to ask that my discouragement not come one after the other in quick succession?

I don't think I've quite recovered from 2008 just yet. To be honest, it was truly the worst year in my life. A year where I felt pain on so many multiple levels that I don't even know how I manage to wake up in the morning anymore. Pain derived from trusting the wrong people, pain derived from caring for those who would never care for me in return, pain for foolishly believing that betrayal wasn't an option if I didn't see it as an option.

This blog entry is dedicated to two people, in particular. Two who probably don't even read this page. But nevertheless, this blog is dedicated to you both.

------------------------------------------------------------
To a lost friend, I've read what you've written about what happened. I know that you want to apologize, that you want to talk. I know that you're afraid to do so, and are unable to do so. I'll save you the trouble of having to do it. I don't accept your apology...but I don't hate you. I hate what you did. I could never drive myself to actually hate you, even though I've tried with all the fiber of my being. I know what you did, beyond what you did that night, the slander, the disdain, the betrayal. I hate that you did that to me. Beyond the bruises, the scars, the pain, I hurt from learning who you really were. I foolishly put together a bedframe that you never came around to putting together yourself thinking that I wanted you back in my life. You did more damage than you could ever imagine, and I despise that you did. Because of you, I have no more faith in friendship.

To a lost chance, I couldn't pull myself to hate you either. But so much of me wants to hate you, because hating you would mean that it hurts just a little bit less knowing that you're no longer in my life. In the end, I already know where I stand. I don't mean anything. It wasn't just that night that was meaningless...when you said that, you meant to say that I was meaningless. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't the case, but that nonchalant, yet awkward phone call made it all clear to me. I tried to be optimistic, tried to tell myself that the situation would settle itself. But in the end, I realized that it wouldn't. You will probably never know how much I actually cared for you, how I mistakenly had fallen in love with you, but never dared tell you because of obvious situations. What you did wasn't even betrayal, it was just what was the best for you and your relationship. But it is because of you that I have no more faith in love.
------------------------------------------------------------

So there it is for the public to read. Take note of it. As of tonight, I admit that I have no faith in friendship or love. What do I have left?

------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: I decided that the above statements I made above is me feeling sorry for myself. And then I decided...FUCK THAT! I deserve to be treated better than people have, and if I'm not then I guess it's clear who the people who actually care about are. I'm done with feeling sorry for myself.